Words to My Younger Self

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I have Lived and Loved
I have known sin
Like the back of my hands
And cherished it as sin
But all was for nothing

I have sacrificed family
For a thought of comfortable life
For money and to be rich and famous
For sin and to be loved by the world
But all was for nothing

I have worked hard in life
To create money and wealth
To have social status I wished for
To earn respect, it wasn’t enough
But all was for nothing

An empty soul I have lived
Weighed down by sin I have lived
Search for hope in money and wealth
Search for good life as I see it on television
But all was for nothing

What is time? Now I think
I have lost my family
I have lost my love
Lost all that meant life to me
Now I have nothing

All through this life
I have been sustained
For what purpose I wonder
To have a filled soul and a happy self
That I may not be nothing

In the end of my days and time
One thing have I known
One constant presence have I neglected
A love that has protected me
That I may not be nothing

Yes in the end of my days
I’m not the most wise
No I’m not the happiest
No I’m not the top achiever
That I may not be nothing

But I have seen life with experience
Enough to know that God comes first
That Family is next and most important
Family will do what riches can’t do
That I may not be nothing

Love from family can’t be bought
They will hold when your’re unsteady
You will depend on them when there is no one
It will give you satisfaction to know
They will be good when your’re gone.

Equipoise!

How do you prove anything?
What is the evidence of all things untouchable?
The existence of things said but not seen,
When facts outdo belief.

I am in between the end and the starting point,
I am yet  to prove myself again,
What I stand for is only known to me,
I have to try and rewrite me all over again.

Like a thread I run on and on,
I build and create beauty,
But when I fail am cut off,
I have to start all over again.

With all the weight and guilt,
Without trust and broken relationships,
Nothing I stand for is believable,
I need to start again,

Sometimes in new environments,
Where  I cannot belong or feel normal,
So that I can be perseved to have a status,
But if truth is told, I am not worth any goodness unless I am consistent.

Same to the love I profess, 
Same to justice and its goodness when served,
Same to trust and the responsibilities it brings,
And many more beliefs that are true only when consistent,

Many are my starting points,
I have failed and keep failing in life,
I have failed in being just, trust I have betrayed time and again,
This life of mine is of second chances,

I would say perfection is beyond reach,
In life you need people who can hold you up when you cannot stand,
People who can always forgive and believe in you,
You need people who see the good in you when your face is guilt.

Love Questions!

Who creates love?
Is it hormone-driven?
Is it in soft or hard copy?
What do we tell ourselves about love?

Is it just saying I love you?
Is it just kissing and holding hands?
How reassuring are the words when spoken?
They are just words like any other.

Is it a sacrifice?
To suffer for a course?
To be emotionally hurt?
To be jealous and secretive?

At what age do we love?
At what age do we understand the different types of love?
How do we distinguish how we love?
What perfection does each love demand?

When do we finally come to a conclusion?
To make that permanent decision?
To love and to hold on?
What changes in our mind that we never change who we love?

How much forgiveness proves it?
How much persistence ensures it?
What acts of desire makes it evident?
What cannot be done in the name of love?

Love is dynamic.
It needs a level of maturity.
To be taken care of; to grow and blossom.

I am allowed.

I don’t walk in righteousness all the time,
I don’t pray as often as I should,
My spirit is fed only once a week.
But the will of God in me never stops.

It never changes and is always with me,
I may not qualify always,
I may wonder miles off,
But His will is always with me.

I may seek what I think is right,
But His protection is still with me,
I may curse and forget He exists,
But His will is that I prosper.

Even when I am accused by the devil,
I am still a son of God,
Even when I am backstabbed,
His will for me never changes.

The devil says I am worth death,
Even when the law required I die,
God sent His son on my behalf,
That I may not face eternal death.

I share this understanding,
For me never to forget,
For other never to doubt His will,
For all to know He is always present.

I am allowed to exist
I am allowed to prosper,
I am allowed to breathe,
Because it’s His will that I do.

To Wrestle

Everyday and every choice,
No need for big flesh muscles,
Not with anyone else,
The war is within me.

My heart fights my mind,
My emotions fight my thinking,
My sight fights my desires,
Balance is not within reach.

Time goes and my path changes,
With every action a battle is won or lost,
With every decision a habit is formed or overcome.
The battle lives on in my dreams as I sleep.

Long before I was conscious,
Before I could comprehend,
Before I could walk away, I crawled towards,
Before I could touch and taste.

My record lingers in my subconscious,
Equally balanced to affect my wins and losses,
Desire and passion overcome procrastinating,
Understanding still weak to lust.

I hide within after every loss.

What If?

I endeavour to know life,
To know all the best of life,
To be boundless in mind and spirit,
To conquer the best of virtues.

To know no feeling of fear.
To know no feeling enfeeblement.
To have no feeling of indiviousness.
To conquer the best of virtues.

Life they say is like a seesaw,
When you’re up that is the good and happy times,
When you’re down that is the bad and disappointment reign,
But I conquer the best of virtues.

To define my freedoms,
To have a specialised knowledge of my choice,
To have a career of my choice,
To live a life beyond paying bills.

What would life be like if only good existed?
What heights of achievements would humans reach?
Imagine a life with no pain for anyone,
Imagine such an existence among humans.

All the good in life are contagious,
An expression of kindness can be heard by the deaf,
Love can be seen by the blind,
The sun speaks of charity to all.

I can see the good in people,
I can see commiseration in all,
I can understand boundaries do not define us,
I can believe colour is neither strength nor weakness.

Truth Be Told

Lord, how do I get to you?
How do I feel your presence?
When My mind wanders all over?
I worry about today and what I do not have.

I know am broken but I cannot accept it.
I am a thief, a liar not a drunkard but a voluptuary,
My eyes are not innocent.
My flesh thirst for promiscuity.

My mind is strengthened in sin and how to sin,
I am not worthy to lead anyone to you,
I am not honest to myself,
My dark heart is known to you.

I act pure for the humans but rotten is my existence.
How do I find my higher purpose?
How do I step up and be next to you?
You are always next to me.

The world cannot let me go,
Where do I get the strength?
I cannot focus on you, I cannot pray and believe.
How do I figure myself out?

When I think about how;
I have crucified you again and again,
Of how I have betrayed your name,
Of how a curse I have been when all you did is bless me.
Of how I have continuously run away from you.
Of your love for sinners like me.

I am weighed down, my filth is ever before me,
How can I face you is my biggest obstacle,
How can I forget is my major worry,
How can I be righteous is my greatest fear.

If I were You, I would have given up on me,
I would have branded me beyond repair,
I would have labeled me a lost course,
But somehow You are always here.

“I am the only one who says I am fine but I am not am broken,
And when it is out of control I say it is under control but it’s not,
And You know it, I do not know why it’s so hard to admit it,
When being honest its the only way to fix,
There is no failure, no-fault, there is no sin You don’t already know.
So let the truth be told.” Matthew West.

What Thinking Creates

Strength is but in thought before muscle,
Practice is thinking and rethinking,
Power is belief in a thought to control.

Good exists because we think so,
Evil we struggle to resist because we know it’s power,
Secrets we pin down in thought to protect those we love.

We accept the prison because we know nothing else,
We deny our potential in thought and it becomes reality,
Fear kills more than plague because thought is powerful.

We fight and create enemies in thought,
Willpower serves to support thought,
Problem of colour exists because we think it does.

Is a protected man weak or his thoughts make him so,
Not aware of any enemy but an uncertain future,
How does he win against a silent enemy is the question.

In thought we love and make decisions that support it,
To be free and dwelling on your failure starts from thought,
Things are created twice, in thought then in the world.

Needs and wants are different because we think they are,
A man’s heart can be dark because he thinks so,
Change is difficult because it’s thinking differently.

To be a father or mother, husband or a wife,a king or queen,
Is a mindset or responsibilities and decisions,
Those who have given up this important roles can confirm.

The world is full of questions and culture,
Questions further discovery in thought,
Culture sustains our diversity,
God thought then spoke and they were created.
All are made in thought. What is in your head?