Words to My Younger Self

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I have Lived and Loved
I have known sin
Like the back of my hands
And cherished it as sin
But all was for nothing

I have sacrificed family
For a thought of comfortable life
For money and to be rich and famous
For sin and to be loved by the world
But all was for nothing

I have worked hard in life
To create money and wealth
To have social status I wished for
To earn respect, it wasn’t enough
But all was for nothing

An empty soul I have lived
Weighed down by sin I have lived
Search for hope in money and wealth
Search for good life as I see it on television
But all was for nothing

What is time? Now I think
I have lost my family
I have lost my love
Lost all that meant life to me
Now I have nothing

All through this life
I have been sustained
For what purpose I wonder
To have a filled soul and a happy self
That I may not be nothing

In the end of my days and time
One thing have I known
One constant presence have I neglected
A love that has protected me
That I may not be nothing

Yes in the end of my days
I’m not the most wise
No I’m not the happiest
No I’m not the top achiever
That I may not be nothing

But I have seen life with experience
Enough to know that God comes first
That Family is next and most important
Family will do what riches can’t do
That I may not be nothing

Love from family can’t be bought
They will hold when your’re unsteady
You will depend on them when there is no one
It will give you satisfaction to know
They will be good when your’re gone.

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ambience

A feeble being lived an impotent life,
What runs a person through seasons of life?
It has been a constant question,
Burning deep down in the corners of my heart.

I never believed in demons,
Until the character I own manifested,
My creations are so unbelievable,
The source is within but unknown to me.

I impaired my beloved,
I was never good at anything,
Chained in my guilt,
I never confronted my reality

My avenue was vulnerable,
I served miscarriage,
I was alien to self,
I was unacquainted talent.

When I lived like a swine,
When my pleasure was but pain to others,
When I acted in the darkness of my secrets,
Without the slightest bit of emotion.

I could never earn your heart,
But you kept me close.
Your Love was faithful,
I was just but an evildoer.

In my winter of life, in solitary.
I cannot start all over again,
No memories to hold close to my heart,
What can I do?

I have lived not to be remembered,
What can I do?
Like day time, life has been short,
Now it’s dark, what was I to do?

Grief

A loss is heavy to all hearts,
Straining to understand the why in life,
Doubting all around you,
Being cold as winter,
Time loses meaning to you,
It isn’t fair, is it?

Blind with your eyes open,
Silence becomes too loud,
Dreaming of the best memoir’s together
It isn’t fair, is it?

You can hear pin drops,
Sunk in the depths of loneliness,
With a grievous and bleeding heart,
Trying to comprehend the loss,
It isn’t fair, is it?

Precious a two and a half years old, living with her Grandpa, innocent of her dad’s betrayal as he abandoned her. To her grandpa, she is a bundle of joy he has never experienced in the world, with a constant smile on his face. A granddaughter he could do anything for. Her mum is struggling with two odd jobs for her upkeep and the grandpa holds as her nanny.

Like any normal afternoon, Precious went to play with her friends as grandpa sat on a shed with his newspaper. Amidst play, Precious wondered off into the bush picking sweet salty herbs as they played with. They ate them as they laughed and continued their playful adventure.

Why was it only Precious? Where did she miss out on the good ones? I wonder how they all grow up with all the dangers looming in their faces! Why? Guess she is just a kid!

After play they came back running with Precious calling out “Ghuka! Ghuka!” I’ m here.” and grandpa receiving her with love. Like most grandparents do to their grandkids, he fed her and just before her nap he felt an urge to give her a cheeky hug. Immediately noticing all wasn’t well. His hunch was right and before he could think, Precious was throwing up so bad. She was breathing so heavy. You know the reaction of fulfillment and satisfaction you get after taking a good meal? This was not it.

Freaking out, anxious and not thinking straight, Grandpa called her mum and they had to rush her to the hospital that evening. I know you’re wondering how on earth did they get a vehicle for transport that fast, right? Well, that’s the power of a scared mother and an anxious grandpa. Back to the hospital. She was admitted and her condition managed using antibiotics and other medications. Apparently, that is what the doctor made them believe. Her mother even reported that she was improving and giving her usual smiles, if you’ve ever had an ailing friend or relative you would know this feeling of hope. It is beautiful.

Her mother called in a frantic tone. This was barely hours later.
Fear, pain, shuttering and darkness is all she felt. She was in an empty space. “Precious please say something, wake up please, oh! God” she cried out, “Doctor please help, say something please, my daughter, my love!” Doctors and nurses surrounding her, try to resuscitate her but she had already taken her last breath, she was silent, her body cold and chill. She was gone. Gone never to return. Gone!

Grandpa’s face…Still as water of the deep seas. He sat by the bench with his palm on his cheeks thinking but could not discern, searching but could not determine. He was blank. When was the last time he felt this hollow? His dear Precious, his friend, and his daily company, his companion. She was no more!

I have never thought of what could make an eighty year old man shed tears, I could only imagine the pain he felt. His reason to live was no more, if only he could switch places with her but that remains a wish.

“Ghuka, Ghuka Ghuka” The voice of precious calling. A young spirited child. A soul full of energy and freedom. It hurt him so bad. “Ghukaaaaa!” she calls in her head but that’s all it is, a voice… A MEMORY.
She rests. Her young soul is at peace now. She suffers no more. Well, death won the war but the battle.

Selfish Lover

A desperado of your path,
A constant loved pain.
An assassin of dreams,
A wrecker at my best.

My words never meant anything,
I was after what I wanted.
My pleasure comes first,
My pride is all my glory.

I own you fully but I can apportion me.
I found you all pure and precious,
What I have made of you is disgraceful,
I lied and you trusted me with your life.

Now all you see around you is fear,
All you feel are scars of pain,
No assurance is permanent,
Worse is we are blood bound.

I never knew I could be a sinister,
A creator of what you have become,
A mother of pain and regret,
A cause of suspicion and doubt.

If only I could take back time and undo,
My disrespect and pride,
Undo the worst of things I said,
Undo my lies and love you right.

Set you free of the torment I caused,
Build a trust you can always rely on,
Create in us one mind with experience,
And wait for you no matter the time it took.

It’s not that I never said sorry,
But you cannot believe it is all safe.
Endlessly on the look and ready to defend yourself,
Ready to give up, dreaming of the past drama,

This is my realization of what my past is,
I promise to always be true and open.
I’m constantly on the clock to liberate us,
This is my life’s purpose.

I pray to God for strength,
To overcome selfish desires,
To have a pure and clean heart,
And to reciprocate to your true love and honesty.

Dear Dad

Dear Dad, you loved and cared for me
Growing up you my hero,
Sitting on your lap, learning from you, All the best memories I can only imagine.
I would never choose another dad.

Thank you Dad, You took me to school, I have an education, not the best but the best you could offer.
Oh! I remember the discipline,
They shaped me to be morally upright.

Dear Dad am all grown up now, fending for myself,
Supporting my family too and am in a position like yours
Now I understand you Dad.
I experience what you went through.

Now I understand the lows we had in our family,
Now I understand you were only human in marriage.
That the struggle and separations were part of being human.
I was searching for an excellent Dad unknowingly,
Now I understand.

Now I understand your culture had an impact, The constant conflict between belief, culture, and faith.
There are times you lost hope in faith and culture was no solution too.
I understand your struggle to be a flawless Dad for us,
It slashes my heart and I cry, but I understand.

I understand the impact of change that you had to adopt for our sake,
That losing your business and everything was not easy.
You would always smile and we never knew the difficulties you went through,
The late and long hours away from us but for our sake.
Even in your failures, we came first, our safety was your priority.
All these thoughts make me love you more dad.

You were the Head of our family even when you could not provide.
The times mum stepped in and your ego was never significant,
A kind of love and submission all through your marriage life.
I understand this cause sometimes I get my self in this position.
Now I understand the duty of being a man and to guide a family.

Thank you for loving mum, through the pain, in health and sickness and in wealth and poverty,
Your example gives me strength, hope, and courage in marriage.
Now I know what it is to love a woman,
All those lessons I reflect upon and appreciate your life.

Fathers cannot always be perfect, sometimes they leave,cannot be there for us, or are violet
As children, we can never fully understand their failures,
They owe it to us but whatever happened should not impair our vision in life.
Our relationships can still work out despite what they did to us.
We look to our fathers as superheroes but they are just human like us, Now I Know!

Not Ready

Am not ready for goodness
To blessed with riches
I will not be humble
Pride will kill me
Am not ready

That I miss other blessings
Yes, am still under construction
There are things am not ready for
Responsibilities I cannot fully comprehend
Shelled in waiting for a time but it does not stop

I am not worthy of gold
For am not a man fine as gold
Still down in my core cant come out
Am mined but still need work
Going through the furnace

Am not ready to be a dad
But I have sex often
I have potential but am scared I will fail
To have a child is not for me
I cannot have a heritage now

Am not ready to be a husband
I can love but my weaknesses will always show
I do not have the wisdom to teach and guide
I cannot constantly provide for a family
I want to be alone and have fun
Am not one to commit, am selfish

Am not ready to be a mother
And have one permanent being of mine
Its scary, am not ready for the pain
Am not ready for my breasts to squash
Am not ready to lose my beautiful physique

For a being who will want my attention all day
For a being I will always carry around
Who will cause me pain, no I want to still be me
I want to look glamorous and party all night

Am not ready for true love
I do not believe it, I cannot oblige
I want fun, adventure, and thrill
Have more than one person to pay my bills
Travel the world and be free to do whatever

Am not ready to be a good friend
I want to say what I want when I want
To be there for only me and care for me
To owe no one anything anytime

Am I ready to be holy or good?
This world is full of complications
Of good and bad, evil and sin
What awaits me then?

Am not ready to die, Am not
I have not accomplished anything
Am feeling I have a lot to do still
With no energy in my old days
I wasted my youth
What awaits me then?

Black Back Streets

Today I walk in town, the day time is for men nighttime for women
How weak is society, joblessness, lifelessness, and selfishness?
The search is for money to quench pleasures and addictions
Men make money to drink alcohol at night and pay for sex
Women sell sex at night to feed their children during the day
I walk these stress full of sorrow, lost hope, and a dead future

The men sit all day in the streets, the sun is hot, you can only survive if you are high
They work casual jobs once or twice a day, for a few hundred
Not only that, “Kukula Kwa macho” is part of the job
Call to all ladies passing by, checking bumbum and touching
They are always ready if you say yes, always pointing north
Fighting for “Mbao” or “Ashu” with brown teeth, cannot clean up just a sticking smoking odour
Reduce to nothing, deadbeat dads always running away from responsibility
You know these men, just walk the streets of Nairobi

You will see them in groups of three or four from 7 pm to 7 am
In short dress and minimum covering whether it raining or not
They believe men see and want sex all the time, we cannot blame them
They call to any man, “Mbao” “Ashu” come get some dear
If you are soft and weak, they hustle and robe you
It’s their life they can make a few hundred or thousands in a night
They cannot settle for a good man, they are used to five men in a night
Nairobi they say is “Shamba La Mawe” The tough always make money

“Chwani Chwani” ” Rwabe Rwabe” ” Ya Warembo” They call out
Individual moving markets, they hawk everything cheaply
Your walking path is their space, squeezing in but not loose
They only have one enemy, “Kanjo” it’s a fight they always lose
Note they will also rough you if they are running away from “Kanjo”
Hawkers are here to make money it’s tough with odd working hours
You cannot be sure if it’s illegal or not, but it’s Nairobi

Am in a matatu getting in town, slowing in traffic they knock
They are always male with a bottle sniffing in their mouth
Boss uko na ashu sijahave breko” they beg,
Any coin they make is for drugs or to gamble
I wonder what the street girls turn into, they cannot all be born male
In streets of Nairobi and they will slice you with a penknife
When they are old enough, they do anything to live, its the life they know
Walk the black back streets of Nairobi in the dark you are dead

Dear Son

Dear Son, like a charming prince you have grown up,
Mother has cared for you and I have disciplined you
It warms our heart to know we gave you our best
Obstacles existed from within and without that shaped you
You were a boy and a dependant, now a young man

Your upbringing was not the best or close to perfect
But to go through life you need wisdom more than strength
You need love and peace of mind, manhood is emotional
Above all the success you will have in life, consider this
Choose wisely whom you will spend your life with

So guard your mind for out of it comes wisdom and instruction
Likewise, guard your heart for out of it are the issues of life
Fear The Lord and be knowledgeable, hear the instruction of your father
Be a man of understanding and forsake not the law of your mother
Guard your body also, do not be conformed to the world

You will need her to be pure, but also be spotless
Purity not only in sex but also avoid alcohol and drugs
They are not the best companions in living
They will corrupt your best state of mind and blind you
Be pure in your thoughts, actions and the company you keep

Bad company corrupts good morals and impair your judgment
Know this son, in your areas of life you will consult so be wise
Abstain from friends with no values and who can be bought or sold
Friends who are afraid to correct you and do not stand for what is right
Let your company be of men that are blunt, true, honest and incorruptible

Also, beware of your act with women as you embrace manhood
It does not just go away when you marry the perfect one
Your body and hormones will rise, consider how you act
Best of all let your mind be above and in control of your body
Know and understand what it means to love and care for someone

Love is not about beauty, selfishness and pride, Dear Son
Good looks, beauty and sexy bodies fade as we age
Love the person, her character, honesty, and humility
Know what drives the woman, how does she view life?
Know her strength and weaknesses to understand her

They were all created differently, so do not just see and decide
Search and discover that she has loves and respect for you
That she believes in you and see your potential as a man
She should be a knowledgeable woman who will develop you
When she submits to your care, guide her in love son

A woman not be driven by money and material things?
Who values herself not measured by fashion or current trends
Because Son, a good woman is hard to find,
She is worth far more than diamonds, trust her without reserve
Her hands are kind and her work is of excellence

A woman who understands power and still has humility for you,
One who will kill pride and submit to her responsibilities for you,
A joyful woman always peaceful and your years will be many
One with a tongue of wisdom and a mouth to always teach love
She will be a bundle of blessings for your days on earth

But know this son, you have to measure up with her,
She will not take less than she deserves, you know why?
Though one maybe be overpowered, two can defend themselves.
Be patient with one another, do everything in love and kindness
Be completely humble and gentle, bearing with one another in love

Learn always to forgive one another, dear son
This is a constant medication for lovers
To love one another is to forgive one another
Say sorry even when she has offended you son
Show her it is relevant to you that she is always blissful

Yes you will be the head, it does not mean deciding everything
Without love she will not submit, love her and your days will be joyful
As head yes you guide in love but also listen to her, she will have appeals
Do not be hard-hearted like our fathers, make her happy, hold her hand
Do not worry, when she cannot get enough, they were created not to

I still say love her for she is your flesh, care for her as you do yourself
For no man hated his own flesh but nourishes and cherishes it
He who finds a wife finds a good thing and stops looking
Build up your relationship and be committed to it
Grow old together in one mind and success is guaranteed